


All that is

by Jeanne



Category: Doctor Who
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-12-19
Updated: 2009-12-19
Packaged: 2017-10-04 15:46:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,615
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/31874
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jeanne/pseuds/Jeanne
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Watching and learning and finding what matters.</p>
            </blockquote>





	All that is

**Author's Note:**

  * For [doyle_sb4](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=doyle_sb4).



> Written for the [Parting of the Ways Ficathon](http://www.livejournal.com/users/rashaka/888925.html), for doyle_sb4, who requested "Jack, an alien world, a mention of a past companion or incarnation of the Doctor."

i.

She looks at you, horror writ across her face, and you think, no. Not that, never that, not with her. This is regeneration and you sacrificed your life to save hers, just as she would have done for you, but she won't listen to what you're trying to say, trying to explain, just stands there looking as if her whole world's come crumbling down. You reach for her but she backs away, shakes her head desperately and just looks at you. You had hoped--though a part of you, a tiny part you hadn't wanted to listen to, had said it was futile--that this change wouldn't matter, not to her, so it stabs at you, seeing that look in her eyes.

And then she takes a deep, sobbing breath and runs.

You give chase, running through the corridors of the TARDIS, yelling at her to stop, please, please stop and listen. But she won't, she just keeps running and you can hear her breathing heavily as she does so, see her shoulders shaking with tears. And it reaches into you, right there, and it affects you more than you would have ever thought possible. With this girl, though, you've come to learn that anything is possible.

But finally, she stops, just stumbles and falls to the ground. And you come down beside her, take her into your arms, bury your face into her hair, whisper, "_this is still me._"

ii.

She watches you with an odd look on her face and you know what she's thinking. "_This isn't him, not at all, and nothing he says will convince me otherwise._" You wish that this change didn't matter to her, and you wish you could change her mind, but you've done everything you can to explain it to her, to explain regeneration, and you know it's all up to her now.

So you land the TARDIS and turn to her, a bright smile on your face, pretending that everything's all right, just as it used to be. And you hope that she'll return it, but all she does is smile weakly, and your own smile falls, just a bit, before you recover. You start to hold out your hand but she quickly exits the TARDIS and waits for you to catch up outside.

You watch expectantly as she looks around, sees only leaves and branches as far as the eye can see. And then you take her to the edge of the platform you're standing on and tell her to look down. She does and she gasps. You're hundreds of feet above ground level, so far up that you can't even see the ground, supported only by the wooden platform jutting out of the massive tree at your back. And you grin at her as she stares down with wide-eyes and you motion upwards, ask if she'd like to see the sun.

You thread your way up the tree, through the village nestled amongst its branches, its occupants peering out curiously at you--and it fascinates her, this whole community living in the treetops, and you tell her that it's like that all over the planet. She looks at you, and you revel in it, that expression of wonder on her face, still there even after everything she's seen and done.

The sun sets and you're both there watching it, the play of color over the horizon as it slowly sinks. The vast forest beneath you seems to still; it knows that night is coming. You turn to look at her to see what effect this has on her and find that she's staring above the tree line, into the sky, a bright light in her eyes as she watches the sun set. Her hair is matted with sweat, her chest heaving as she gasps in the air, but she takes your breath away, standing there in the treetops of Langarian Prime, the light of the setting sun playing across her face. She smiles up at you and it's a shadow of her former smile, but it's there and it's real and it's enough for now. And then she continues to take your breath away by reaching out and taking your hand.

iii.

She looks at you and she smiles and she laughs and she reaches out and gives you a small hug from time to time. It's her, absolutely her, so very real, and it delights you so that it takes you a while to see that look creeping back into her eyes, that look you can't stand. And you're afraid, at first, that this is about you again, that she's having second thoughts, but then you realize: this isn't about you.

It's about him.

She misses him, as you do, your lost friend and companion, has since you lost him on the Gamestation though she hasn't said much in regards to him. You've lost companions before--and your mind tries to bring them up, the thoughts of Katarina and Adric, but you shy away, can't deal with the guilt over them right now, not when you haven't dealt with _his_ death yet--but this, this is different. You've never lost a companion at the same time as a regeneration, and you wonder if that's the difference with you, know with absolute certainty that it was this double-blow that was hardest for her.

She's been trying to ignore it, act like it doesn't matter, you can see that now. She's a strong one, your girl, but there are only so many crises she can deal with at once, so many ways her heart can get broken before she shuts down. But she's come to terms with you now, and it was only a matter of time before she started to dwell on him.

So you take her home, just for a visit, figure that a familiar place full of familiar faces would do her good. And that look leaves her eyes at times, when she's among her mum and ex-boyfriend--and you can't help but smirk at that, even after all this time, the ex- part of that phrase. She's happy, here at home, so very happy, and for a moment you're afraid that she'll want to stay, but then she turns back to you and the doubt vanishes.

Later, as you're walking back to the TARDIS, she takes your hand, smiles up at you, and says, "_thank you._" Because she knows, of course, why you took her back.

And then you turn the corner of a London street and there he is.

iv.

You watch them, talking to each other not far from where you stand working on the console. He says something to her and she laughs at whatever it is and punches him in the shoulder. He flinches in mock pain and she rolls her eyes, glances over to you with a look that invites you to join in. And you grin but, with a shake of your head, decline and lean over the console to show that you're busy doing something. And you can see her shrug from the corner of your eye and turn her attention back to him.

Later, you all three of you are sprawled on the floor of her bedroom, talking the night away. Or, rather, night as they've both declared it, for, of course, in the TARDIS, there's not true day or night and you've never really paid much attention to the hours kept by humans, never felt the need to, no matter how many human companions you've had in the past. He gestures in the air, describing an adventure he'd had while away, and you listen distractedly, the rest of your attention on her. She sits across from you, leaning forward slightly, her eyes bright as she listens intently to what he has to say.

It has only been two days since his return, but it's like he was never gone, so easily has he integrated back in with the two of you. You're relieved at that, that he's the same as ever, just as flirtatious, just as outrageous, and you know she feels the same. She's practically bubbling over with joy now, happier than you've seen her in a long time, and you can't help but smile whenever you think about it, so glad are you for that.

She laughs at whatever it is he's saying, teases him for a bit, and, like before, glances at you in invitation to join in. This time, you do, and as the two of you gang up against him, you look over at her and grin widely at the look of utter happiness in her eyes. And you're so busy focusing on how she's handling his sudden reappearance in your lives that it takes you a while to realize that an unsettled feeling starts to spread across the pit of your stomach whenever you see him.

v.

 

She looks at you with a small frown on her face whenever she thinks you aren't paying attention. But you are, always, even from the corner of your eye when you're supposed to be doing something else. She touches him on the shoulder and nods her head in your direction, and he looks at you for a moment before turning back to her with a shrug. They haven't said a word, not even in whispers, but you can tell a whole conversation has just occurred between the two.

You knew it was bound to happen eventually, knew that they'd catch on to the odd mood you're in, the odd mood you've been in for a while now. They don't understand why, you can see it in the sideways looks they give you, but they understand enough to know that it's about him. You're not quite sure what to tell them, though, and it's not a feeling you enjoy, this being so unsure.

He leaves the room momentarily, leaving you and her alone. And after a moment, she approaches you and she asks what's wrong. You tell her that nothing's wrong, everything's fine, and she looks at you in that arch manner she has, her tongue sticking slightly out of her mouth. But before she can say a word, he's back in the room, his presence immediately making itself known. She gives you a look that says, so very clearly, that she isn't finished with you yet, and then she turns to him and leaves you to your thoughts.

You watch them, how they interact with each other, how very easy she is with him. In a way, you envy how easily she's accepted his resurrection in so short a time, with none of the drama that accompanied your regeneration, but you can't blame her for it. She doesn't remember what happened that day on the Gamestation, but you do, and you know with absolute certainty that he'd died, even though you never saw his body. It was the only possible way the Daleks would have been able to get to you. But even if she did remember what she did that day, she still wouldn't understand the implications of it, not the way you do.

But it's not something she thinks about, and you can see that he doesn't give it a thought, either. It's an event they've consigned to the past, talked of once and never again, and now glossed over in their memories as only being a painful time for all, to be ignored and left in a dark corner of their minds--him because he doesn't want to remember, her because she truly doesn't, only knows what you've both told her. But you can't do the same as they, because you know, more than they ever will, the natural order of the universe and how it shouldn't ever be upset. Your own happiness about the outcome makes no difference because what's happened is wrong. And so you watch them talk amongst themselves, hear her giggling at whatever it is he's saying, but you can't join in, not until you've managed to get these thoughts all sorted. Because you know its wrong, no one is supposed to control life and death and that's exactly what's happened between the two of them. Looking at them, though, there's a part of you that thinks that it really shouldn't matter, but you just can't find a reason to let it go.

vi.

 

You watch her, sitting there on the console seat, leaning back with her legs propped on the console. Her head falls back and she sighs heavily, and you know that it's you in her thoughts, you and what she considers your odd behavior lately. You approach her, making enough noise so as not to startle her, but she doesn't give a single indication that she hears you. When you're standing before her, though, she opens her eyes, looks at you, and moves over so that you can sit beside her. You do so and she enfolds your hand in hers and lays her head on your shoulder. You look at her, see her eyes flutter sleepily, and you reach out with your free hand to brush a strand of hair away from her face. She turns her face to look at yours and she smiles.

Here with her, you try to let the thoughts of the past several days slide from your mind, but they won't go, they just there, on the forefront of your thoughts as always. And you lean back, closing your eyes, try to relax, and fail utterly. And she seems to feel your tenseness for she gives your hand a gentle squeeze.

Then suddenly, she speaks, breaking the quiet of the room and causing you to open your eyes again. "_It doesn't matter,_" she says. You look at her quizzically and she hastens to explain. "_What you're so worried about, I mean. What happened with him and me and the Time Vortex._" And you still at her words, hadn't realized that she knew, that she saw, but she doesn't seem to notice, just continues on. "_Was obvious, once I thought about it. Only thing that could get you in the mood you've been in lately. Shouldn't matter, though, that whole thing. I know it probably broke all sorts of laws of the universe or whatever, but it doesn't matter._"

She pauses and, just when you think she's said her peace, she whispers something, so softly that you can't even make out the words. You ask her to repeat what she's said and she turns to you. She doesn't say anything for a moment though, almost as if she's gathering her thoughts, then she plunges on. "_It's what you told me before. When I tried to get you to tell me more about you. Took me a long time to remember it, after you regenerated, but I did, eventually, and it--it helped._" And then she pauses again, looks you straight in the eye. "_All that counts is here and now, right? Because this is you and that's him and I'm me and that's all that matters. Nothing else does. Not your regeneration, not his resurrection, none of it. Just that you're both here and we're all ourselves. And that's all that counts._" Then she squeezes your hand again before she stands, smiles down at you one more time, and exits the room, leaving you behind.

You're left staring after her as her words, your words really, echo in your head. Then you shake your head and you chuckle to yourself, because there it is. You stand as well, go after her, take her hand and look down at her face. And you smile.


End file.
